Internet in the East

With three of the major internet backbones for the East (ie. India, China, Mid-east) being cut in one week, the normally skeptical conspiracy theorist in me is getting louder. Cutting one cable is bad luck. Two is really a coincidence. But three, cutting off Iran entirely? (At least if Slashdot, pillar of accuracy that it is, is correct).

It’s sounding a lot more like deliberate action than raw chance; internet backbones don’t go down all that often, and certainly not multiple failures in one region in one week’s time. But who and why? Iran certainly isn’t making any friends lately - especially with somewhat masked threats of deployment of nuclear weapons. Israel certainly has the motive, opportunity, and ability. For that matter pretty much every other major government can probably pull it off. It’s not like the cable locations are a closely kept secret; I’m sure they’re on most sea charts. But that assumes that Iran is a target.

It must be a cabal of Illuminati IT workers who are concerned with the threat of IT outsourcing to eastern countries, and the censorship of media in countries like Iran. The though of losing their jobs to citizens of the eastern hemisphere, coupled with their inability to view whatever media they desire when visiting said countries, was simply intolerable. They apparently released a long-rumored “Ping of Death” on the undersea cable, which caused the cable to rupture underwater. as it approached the resonant frequencies of the medium.

Anybody who disagrees obviously doesn’t have enough shielding their brain from the effects of the mind control satellites orbiting the United States, and should invest heavily in protection from the friendly Alcoa corporation (makers of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil)

In other news, Alcoa has seen their stock jump by about 12% this week, as conspiracy theorists everywhere rushed to their local supermarket to purchase shielding in the form of Aluminum foil.

Yesterday, I went into the dentist to get a root canal. While there, there was ample opportunity for the implantation of a tracking device. What looked like cotton packing for the pulpectomy must have really been a top-secret nanomachine capable of transmitting my location and my every utterance to T.H.E.M. (The Evil Hegemony of Men).

The worst part of the whole deal is that even with much of the east cut off from the rest of the internet, spam continues to flood my inboxes. It’s somewhat comforting to see that the “I Love You” Virus is alive and well, and infecting the spammer’s systems.